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Sunday, July 24th, 2011
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3:38 pm
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im starting to believe that maybe all of this is stemming from an identity crisis.
We place so much value on not only how others see us but the role we see ourselves playing.
I am a girlfriend
I am an Assistant Manager in retail
I am a Bouting skater
When something about those roles changes its like everything else changes with it and even if it is a positive change, it takes a while to redifine yourself in your own head in a positive way.
I am dealing with my depression in the best way i know how, but at the moment its not cutting the mustard.
This season, for what ever reason i am not passing my assessments, although i think they are bullshit reasons, the results are that i will not be a bouting skater with my league.
For so long my self esteem was propped up by the "wow, look what i achieved!" and when that is taken away or lost the pain is very very real. Back to being a loser again, why did i try in the first place?
When i got married my role was the loving daughter who had always supported her parents despite their shortfalls and who expected the same in return, but the shock that neither was willing shook that role aswell and it still hasnt recovered.
My new role as wife is probably the only thing that has saved me in the last two months.
My husband is waiting for me at home, i dont want to keep him waiting too long.I cant kill myself because i owe it to him not to.
When it all boils down, what i want is for me to be the reason to be here, not what i define myself as.
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| Monday, August 30th, 2010
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10:03 pm
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Its been a difficult couple of months.
Even in type those words look like an insulting understatement.
There have been high highs; winning the bout with a fractured rib, training the girls in Kalgoorlie, new oppurtunties at work. But the lows have been devestating and Ive seriously considered stress leave from everything.
I really, really miss my girls at the moment.
Three weeks in a row now ive drunk myself into a stuper, ending up with alcohol poisoning this weekend just gone.I've decided to give the drink a break for a while, go sober for september.
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| Wednesday, June 30th, 2010
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9:55 pm - from Joan of Dark's blog
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Thursday, June 17, 2010
Some things I've noticed from derby...
1. I have just as many socks without feet (for under my elbow pads) as I have socks with feet.
2. My contact list on my phone reads like a call girl list. Sweet C, Strawberry Jam, etc.
3. If I go to an all night store, I am very likely to be handed pamphlets advising me how to escape from my abusive relationship.
4. My cats will always sniff my shoes after practice and make the "stinky face".
5. It is quite possible that my neighbors think I'm a hooker. I walk out of the house at odd hours in panties, tights, knee high socks, and carrying a suitcase. (for my skates) Sometimes, when we have an event, I'm wearing hot pants and a corset, or a tutu, or some other mad get up. I come home after several hours limping and bow legged. They don't let their children talk to me anymore...
6. I have to physically be stopped from treating the grocery store as my own personal derby track. Apparently hip checking in aisle 3 is not socially acceptable.
7. Hanging out with derby girls has made it so that I am, in general, no longer socially acceptable.
8. I have forgotten that "normal" people will not respond with the same amount of delight that I am used to when I pull my pants down in public and show them THE BIGGEST ASS BRUISE EVER.
9. Ditto for the bruises on my boobs.
10. When the people come to your door and asked whether or not you are saved, it's apparently not OK to burst into a chorus of Uncle Leon and the Alibis, "Roller Derby Saved My Soul".
11. My lawn will never be mowed in a timely manner again. (Until I learn how to mow in skates)
12. I own more pairs of tights than I do pants.
13. If someone grabs my ass at a bar, I don't get pissed. I just assume it's a derby girl. (If it's not, I fully expect all my fellow girls to bring the pain)
14. I am far more comfortable touching strange girls on the butt than I ever thought I would be.
15. I care more about shiny bearings than I do about shiny jewels.
16. It's a lot harder to get a black eye than movies and books lead you to believe.
17. Ditto for split lip.
Posted by Joan of Dark at 7:54 AM
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(comment on this)
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9:10 pm
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The great southern slam is finally over, we returned home bruised, battered and showered in glory as the the most loved of the losers. WARD are now officially the gusty girls from WA:)
Adelaide was great except for min being stuck in hospital and being worried about, being completely broke and freezing cold...glad to be home although i cant wait to get back to melbourne.
Supanova is finally over, we raised 2060 dollars for telethon and enjoyed the company of troopers from all over austraila. Daniel Logan was very charming...although there is something about an iso uniform that brings out the charming in everyone:)
The next adventure will be the training camp for the Gold City Rollers in Kalgoorlie, the zombie night with Bunbury and the WASO night.
John asked me alittle while ago when i would be stopping for a break.
...not sure about that one....
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| Monday, March 1st, 2010
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8:37 pm - Update:
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The pirate party went well, although i found my self in the kitchen more than in the pool!
Above is my pavlova effort; supremely delish and worked out my triceps:)
The dread falls worked really well but were so heavy that i decided not to wear them to Soundwave.Its very weird looking at photos of my self this time last year, i was a totally different person. Even old friends who have recently come out of the wood work have commented.
I've found a picture of my haircut and im hopfully booking it in for this weekend funds permitting.I dont want all my hair dreading under my helmet again. Derby Camp 101 is happening on sunday, 5 hours of full on Derby skills and bouting! and my rules test is wed(fingers crossed) for my green star to be official.
Things are looking good:) I miss my girls but i think they would be proud of me!
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8:26 pm
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| Thursday, January 28th, 2010
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7:20 pm
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| Friday, December 11th, 2009
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11:22 pm
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I'm driving down to Bunbury tomorrow to meet up with the Bunbury Roller Derby girls.
In other news, Roller derby has completely taken over my life.
I'm kinda ok with this because everything that isnt derby, work or john pretty much no longer exists and is shit any way.
In other other news, I really, really, REALLY miss Duromine.
I'm hungry, grouchy and tired and too frecking broke to do anything about it.
Im down to 74 kilos but i can't seem to move from there.
I'm almost a size 12 (I bought 2 items of size 12 clothing but i can't wear them to work so they arent official yet).
I love what Roller derby has done to my body, my arms and shoulders and thighs are ripping, its just that i'm not quiet there yet...
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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12:52 pm
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Oh the hangover!
Last night we had our Xmas party for Body Shop and the theme was bad taste.
I played with the idea of pregnant Britney, trailer trash, Dolly Parton-esce Waitress... but in the end it came down to only one choice.
Amy Winehouse!
I worked all day Saturday so Myself and a couple of others got ready in the store, then cabbed it to the Mt Lawley Bowls club in costume. I was hilarious seeing people watching as I fake tanned, eye linered, wigged and wobbled around in a lepoard print boob tube and heels.
Everyone appriciated the effort and my texta tattoos, and I can't believe I didn't win best dressed. Also found out that I had been nominated for Local Hero, but missed out. Didn't care at the time due to the free food and free booze:)
Sore now, lacking necessary english skills to communicate properly but have to get moving to Subzero's Baby shower, then down to training. This will hurt, but its self inflicted, so I'll just get over it. Skating hungover is so much better than not skating at all.
Besides, I learned how to jump last session.
BTW, totally broke at the moment. Cant even afford toilet paper (stealing it from the library across the road) so please don't invite me out until Wednesday because i'll make a sad face.
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| Sunday, November 8th, 2009
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2:56 am
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I am an awesome door bitch:)
The Veescars and Co were really good, I don't know why I was suprised.
And I can't believe Pip was willing to pay me, this will set a standard for the future.
I'll do shit and I'll do it well, and you can pay me for it!
Went to Bogan party dressed as trailer trash: everyone commented that it was an awesome Britney costume.
Yes, the hair is real.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 31st, 2009
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2:22 am
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This has been an emotional week, high highs, low lows.
Low lows includes being left to run things at work for a couple of days and not doing the best job. I coped, when things went wrong, I handled them. But stuff that should have been done, didn't get done. Being stuck at the till until five to seven on thursday was a low point, especially when I was due at the Rink by seven and I wasn't even dressed. Low lights also include watching the bank account disappear into the red before the car payment had gone in, let alone by food, let alone get my sexy new skirt and belt of layby at Cue to wear on Halloween:(
High highs include the filming of a "training session" of the Derby Dames by A Current Affair. I almost didn't make it down but as soon as I walked in the door Sub Zero told me to suit up. And I did:) Di Hard, Raye N Blood and I got to push the camera man and his huge camera around the track at pack speed for a few scrimmages so that he could get plenty of action shots. My thighs will never be the same! Also I'm door-bitching this Friday for the Veescars, cool.
Tomorrow I have two days off, so its Sin with Phiz, a massage with my birthday voucher, another skate along the trainline (hopefully I can time how long it takes me to get to the city) and hatch Dames fundraising plans before training.
It will be good to see people I know tomorrow who aren't from work.
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| Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
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9:47 pm
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Status report, sta... right now!
Job = Awesome.
Work hard all day, people actually notice! New concept, haven't tryed it before, highly recommended.
I don't get sworn at, I don't get shit thrown at me, my pay (albiet alittle smaler than normal) shows up on time:)
Looking at East Timor next year. That should be fun and adventuresome.
Derby = Awesome.
A Current Affair is filming a story on us next thursday.. can't think why; we're not at war with our neighbours and we have no idea about the price of washing detergent...
Loosing weight = Awesome.
Still a long way to go but 10 kilos is nothing to sniff at. The funnest thing in the world atm is to play ' will this fit me?' while clothes shopping. It's so nice to walk into Cue and play 'will this fit me' with a hot black pencil skirt and hot as belt and win!
Birthday = ...ah shit, 28 already?
Was not in the mood for a party at all, got alittle push from John just going ahead and organising one anyway.
Realised I do have friends staying in Perth, and like an emo little tool I'm pushing away.
Sorry about that!
So birthday drinks at my place on Saturday 24th after eight.
I'm working all day and won't be back til 6 so don't show up early and don't expect a clean house and this will go great.
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| Friday, October 16th, 2009
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10:33 am
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I can't believe it's friday already, this whole week has just gone so fast.
This weekend I'll be working Saturday, then down in Mandurah Sunday day looking after the 501st boys as they raise money at the Telathon Fair day. Training Sunday night and then the whole shebang starts again for Monday!
My muscles are sore from skating (although I'm still kicking myself for not getting to the gym this week) and my feet are aching from some long hours at work.
The 'I'm missing the girls' feeling has been compounded a bit by Pip's going away party last night. I feel like everytime I start to recover from the exit of the awesome women in my life another announces she's that going too! Phizbub will probably be next.
John has made his intentions to hang around pretty clear though, so thats a plus :)
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| Saturday, October 10th, 2009
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10:49 pm
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The adventures are finally over for a little while and things are returning to normal.
Sometimes it stings a little that life goes on perfectly without you.
Selfish, I know, but there is a Britz-van shaped hole in my heart.
New job (Body Shop fulltime) starts 8am Monday. Psyched, but a little scared.
This means I have to cut back the drinking in a big way. Before Britz I was totally sober
but something about Melbourne just makes me nuts. I woke this morning after a pint and
three red wines and was so ill, I lost most of the day. I just can't hold my liquor any more.
Something has to happen there before I hurt myself.
My gear arrived, my skates are home and it's taking my mind off the fact that I'm 28 in exactly two weeks.
Not scared of the floor anymore; I hit that already more than once and still got up.
When I'm on eight wheels, I'm bruised but I'm strong.
Now I just want to get fast. I don't think when I'm going fast,
and it's wonderful.
Thank gods no one reads LJ anymore!
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| Sunday, September 27th, 2009
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6:40 am
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Time to dust of the aviators, slip some tex perkins into the dashboard and leave the city behind for a while!
The van is packed, my back pack is (hopfully) under 20 kilos and I am itching for open road.
When next you see me Perth, I will be a changed woman. Minus two good friends, but plus one adventure.
Love you all, see you round.
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| Sunday, September 20th, 2009
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10:15 pm
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I am absolutely exhausted from training, so I'm going to keep this brief.
After this week I am done with schools. No more abusive year nines, no more adoring year tens,
no more education department banging rocks together assuming things will run themselves.
I'm going for the full time position at the Body Shop coming up next month, then trainee manager.
Next year, cert IV training and then hopefully a trainers or values position in the company.
Not the original plan, wish I didn't have a hecs dept as a souvenir but this shit usually happens.
In other news I am never going to train on an empty stomach again, I nearly spewed three times and my legs feel like jelly.
The adventure begins in one week, almost can't believe it.
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| Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
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6:27 pm
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Well, its been a week today and (with a few notable exceptions) things are pretty much back to normal.
I get a little hungry, but nowhere near what I used to.
I'm sleeping fine again and getting tired at the end of a day.
I got a little touchy there for a few days, not being able to drink was both a blessing and a curse in that area.
I wish the energy had stuck around without the light headidness.
But no regrets so far.
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| Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
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9:51 am
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| Monday, September 14th, 2009
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12:03 pm
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Two weeks and counting. Just thinking about it makes me want to wee.
So little time, so much to do.
Party and Sin were so much fun considering how bad I felt earlier that day.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 10th, 2009
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12:52 pm - Completely random yet important things and stuff
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If this is alittle random, I apologise. I have alot in my head that I want to get down and this is the short of it.
Finally, after 6 months of trouble, my back is showing a light at the end of the tunnel of pain. I walked to the staff room after having sat at my desk furiously marking for two and a half hours with out so much as a twinge. Normally this task would be excruciating, but nothing!
And there are three reasons for this.
Firstly, never again will i underestimate the power of a good bra.
Secondly, I have now lost four kilos which is taking the pressure of.
And third, the Podiatrist has bound and padded my feet within an inch of their life to support my arches and stop my feet rolling. The bandages are sore, but my feet feel incredible.
Derby training was awesome to watch. The girls were speed skating, booty blocking, toe running, coffin rolling...wow.
Being a bench manager is not that different to being a drama teacher, organising people into position quickly and yelling at them when they aren't fast enough. I can handle that. Keeping track of the penalties will be a challenge, but I'll learn all of that soon. The next Bout is the 10th of October so I had better learn fast.
I'm running a few tests on the new camera tonight and tomorrow so that I'm familiar with it by Saturday. My plan is to negotiate a Wednesday off in the next 2 weeks to go down to Safety Bay Senior High and get some footage of the Freaks Courtyard; a kind of 'where it all began' piece for my little doco. Hopefully Chris Harlow is around:)
Duromine...interesting stuff. I took my first dose yesterday morning at 7 and didn't realise that i hadn't eaten until my stomach growlled at 8.30 pm. Still not hungry! It's awesome! I do feel a bit weird; dry mouth, alittle fuzzy in the head, allitle trouble sleeping. Nothing major. I was able to power on at the gym yesterday with little fatigue, but that may have also been my new feet. I'm keeping my water intake up at anyrate and being careful. No drinking on the weekend, I'll have to film instead:)
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haylo's journal
